Disposable or Indispensable Wife

There are over 5,000 promises for us to take hold of in God’s Word. Learning to believe those promises and walk as He calls us frees His hands to work on our behalf in every aspect of our lives, no matter how big or small. Thankfully, none of us have to walk the Bible road alone. I am very grateful for our Helper, Holy Spirit, who unveils and decodes the scripture exactly how we need it, exactly what we need, at exactly the right time we need it. And all we need to do is ask Him for help. He will reveal His life-giving Truth every time.

I’ll admit, sometimes I TOTALLY miss the supernatural revelation; like someone throwing a tailed Nerf football to me and it goes whizzing over my head, landing in some random bush, completely hidden for a season. I could have described it as “lost” but it actually wasn’t. It was just hidden from plain “sight” until I took the time and effort to search for and find it. The intentional search is entirely up to us and is the key factor in living a blessed life that’s so beyond what we could ever think or ask for.

I recently had a hellish experience. It lasted several days. Good Lord, you know the ones: where you’d do absolutely anything to NOT be involved in it but realize it’s out of your control completely and like being strapped into the rollercoaster ride from hell, you’re in it until that ride finally stops. And when it does, how do we handle what we just experienced? Again, it’s completely based on where our belief systems are rooted.

And what about when we apply that type of experience to marriage - one hellish experience after the other (infidelity, addiction, and physical abuse aside). I am talking about “my husband has a bad attitude and is a chronic —— and I’m not happy!” type of marriage (where most of us tend to end up).

When our husbands flip out on us once in a while, we can have grace, right? We can chalk it up to a bad day at work, finances, whatever. But what do we do when it’s a consistent pattern of flip out? What if his attitude is ugly, maybe he’s a rage-er, making mountains out of molehills, maybe he’s withdrawn, or works endless overtime shifts so he doesn’t have to be home? What then?

“all we need to do is ask Him for help. He will reveal His life-giving Truth every time.”

Throughout my years of personal experience in addition to countless women I have come across, I have finally learned that a majority of us truly have no clue how to be wives, Godly wives; especially when we feel our husbands don’t “deserve” it.

God intentionally wired women for emotional, verbal, and physical connection in marriage. But when that isn’t happening, we try to attain that connection in our own strength, which ends all wonky most times! Our heart desires to connect, however, more often, our actions repel our husbands as we spend untold years trying to fix, change, and scold them into doing, seeing, and processing things “our way”all in an attempt to “connect.” 

We tend to “mother” them like they’re five. After all, many of us are older siblings or are mothers ourselves, and we “know things” because we have carried, birthed, nursed and sustained tiny humans and we can do the same for our husbands. Unconsciously, we tend to think we know better and can tell our husband’s”what’s up”…as if they can’t see it, which they do, just not the way we do.

Have you ever been around anybody like that - who “knows” everything? Man, they are suffocating! And all we want to do is get away from them and “dispose” of all the garbage we were left with as a result! I like to call those “disposable encounters” that we want to literally, throw away. Psalm 119:21 even says God’s displeasure rests on those who are arrogant, who think they know everything.

As terrible as those encounters are for us to endure, all too often, we, too, are guilty of heaping the same behavior on our husbands. Remember, I am only discussing what we, women, bring to the table at times or even regularly.

The problem with this course of “disposable” action is that it only makes bad marriage situations worse. The truth is, men think absolutely nothing like us. They don’t see the world like we do. They don’t handle emotions the way we do. They don’t solve problems the way we do. And instead of responding to us the way we so often respond to them if we don’t agree, we tend to badger them into submission to our point of view (which is pointless). The second they feel disrespected by our attitudes, words, or actions, they “dispose” of us by emotionally crawling inside themselves like grown ninja turtles. Their shells of armor act as both protection and defense from us, their wives. And they pull in tight so they are no longer vulnerable to our verbal onslaughts, bulging eyes, and disdainful faces. 

What I’ve just described is disposable qualities of a Christian wife. NONE of that is right, necessary, helpful, trustworthy, respectful or loving in anyway. And it’s better to get away from ANYONE like that - especially a wife, which is confirmed in Proverbs 21:9 It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home. Remember, do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Would we ever actually ask for that type of conduct from another be given to us? 

Intentionally or not, when we walk in that type of behavior toward our husbands, we’ve emasculated them. We have chosen to look down upon them as our foe instead of our ally and hero. They have not forced us to make that choice. We made it on our own and it came from our wrongfully judgmental belief systems. We have divided ourselves against the very one who God calls us to look to with reverence and respect - because we deem them unworthy of it.

When I was ranting on my husband once, I caught my angry-self in a mirror and it absolutely shocked me. It was horrifically uncomfortable and immediately convicting. I encourage you, try delivering “disposable” discourse to your husband while looking in a mirror, it’s a game changer.

Sadly, as each day passes, the world continues to watch and ultimately be repelled by Christian faith. They commonly observe, we too, have an epidemic of crumbling marriages - same as them. The truth is, like the world, Christian spouses are also living out of their flesh rather than the higher, harder, and selfless standard God calls us to. So consequently, we model nothing the outside world wants. We live the same way they do within our homes and dysfunctional thought patterns, attitudes, actions, and relationships. Why would they ever want “our Jesus” and what we have as a result of our faith?” We give them no reason to want what we have because our fruit looks the same as theirs.

As marriages progress over time, it seems in so many cases, the original “us”and “team” of marriage erodes into “me, my, and I.” Hurt feelings and unmet needs replace the team with individualized competitions of me against you, leaving our children as helpless on-lookers wondering who will win yet another match. And instead of learning how to be the fire retardant to our husbands’ fire storms, we consistently opt to be gasoline, instantly exploding whatever “issue” is between us leaving only destruction in the smoldering ashes. 

Further, we fail to understand that it was never our spouse’s duty to “make” us happy, nor was ours for them. This is the all-too-common myth so many Christian women continue to be overcome by. Truth reveals we are EACH responsible for our OWN happiness, which is a state of mind, heart and spirit! God desires for us to be complete in Him, alone, first. As our relationship with our Father grows, we begin to align our thoughts with His, and these take root in our lives, we then begin to learn about and receive His agape love. As a result of us seeking Him and His supernatural ways, He fills us with His adoption, acceptance, belonging, and healing. Freely, He gives this to us so freely, we can give it away to others, our husbands being first in line.

Our “happiness” is a byproduct of our own belief system. If we typically tend to walk in past hurts, current grudges, judgement or suspicion rather than trust, humility, and gratitude, our happiness levels are affected. It’s not about what we experience with others (barring extremes and calculated violences), it’s how we internally process our experiences as a result.

Unless we wives turn from our disposable behavior toward our husbands, regardless of their actions toward us (yes, regardless - God does not allow us to step out of what He calls us to do because of someone else’s bad choices), we are only destroying our homes one brick at a time and not waking out our faith in action as a wife. The goal for us in our marriage when the walls close in and things are about to go down, is getting to the place of Christian self control and maturity where we are able to pause and take a breath before getting all worked up ready to plow around the same mountain again. God within us must come first. Then, if your dander is up, maybe grab a mirror and look at yourself. I can assure you that cray cray reflection ain’t gonna be Snow White sister but more like Ursula.

We can’t affect change in our husbands as much as we can single-foot balance on a ball while holding 10 dishes in each hand. When we try to “convince” our men of our viewpoint, especially when we are disrespectful about it, we only succeed in cutting them off at the knees by lecturing them like children. 

If we are doing this, it’s completely against the Faith in Christ we claim to have. Faith without works is dead. Our faith must be the center of our lives and be walked out in action. There is no other way to show the world who our Jesus is and what our faith means to us. And it starts at home, with our primary relationship - our marriage; second only to our relationship with the Father. This word in Psalm 119:31 is key: “Lord, don’t let me make a mess of my life, for I cling to your commands and follow them as closely as I can.”

I think, sadly, Christian women are some of the most deceived wives walking the planet. All too often, we are caught up in our marital “lack” mulling it over and over in our minds like a broken record. Society has convinced us we are the victims in our marriages, while we cash in all our “feelings” chips on the table and buy into the bold-faced lie that marriage is all about our happiness, equality, and 50/50 split fairly; especially those of us who are police wives and Christians. 

“Like the world, Christian spouses are also living out of their flesh rather than the higher, harder, and selfless standard God calls us to”

In LEO (Law Enforcement Officer) marriages, the inequality scales are tipped even further not in our favor and typically, in personality, we, wives, tend to be even more pronounced “justice seekers” and the “spiritual police” in our matrimonial unions. We must constantly fight against being “upset” we are forced to handle so much more of the load due to our husbands’ erratically demanding, stressful, and long work shifts. This belief system puts gravely and ungodly requirements on our husbands that God never created them to bare; requirements they are doomed to fail.

Proverbs 31:10-12 (The Amplified) describes the indispensable wife:
An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her?
Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.
The heart of her husband [safely*] trusts in her [with secure confidence],
And he will have no lack of gain.
She comforts, encourages, and does him only good and not evil
All the days of her life (emphasis mine).

(*the word “safely” is used in many different biblical versions and lends strong gravity in understanding whether or not we create that type of atmosphere in our own marriages. Can our husbands safely trust us with their hearts or do we choose to betray that trust in exchange for our demands to have things “our” way or worse, to be “right?”).

Only God can truly change people. Consistently, as we align ourselves to the world’s ways, we can get caught up in every earthly psychological, philosophical, cognitive, behavioral, denial, mentally ill diagnoses and it won’t change a darn thing. Why? Because GOD CREATED MARRIAGE! Man did not! We are NOT that good! Only GOD has the blueprints and answers for our marriages. All we have to do is our part as a woman, wife, mother, and sister, asking God to help us walk out the scriptures He gives to us to take hold of. We need to learn how to be the Godly wife our husband so deeply needs. Easy, but hard. 

I make no judgements - only observations. Again, giving up our own “right” (as we deem it) to judge our husbands’ actions, words, or lack thereof, and especially their hearts, pretty much puts a noose around both their necks and our own, as we exists together as one-flesh whether united or not. 

God never expects perfection from any of His children. Only Jesus was perfect. God encourages our obedience because He knows our actions will reap His supernatural goodness. 

But we need to give ourselves grace in the process. It’s written into our DNA to fail. Only then will we be given the opportunity to rise again having learned something new. Further, we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Expect to fall on your face! But then get up in humility and learn how to do it better next time always desiring forward movement.

ONLY God knows the true state of our husband’s heart. We don’t. And if we think we do, we have positioned ourselves above God. And ONLY God can judge our husband’s heart. His word is very clear about this in Romans 2:1 “No matter who you are, before you judge the wickedness of others, you had better remember this: you are also without excuse, for you too are guilty of the same kind of things! When you judge others, and then do the same things they do, you condemn yourself!”

Which leads me to my next point of becoming an indispensable wife: as Christian women, we need to learn to intentionally stay focused and submitted to Christ first, taking our thoughts captive to the obedience of Him continuously.

What does that mean? Ask God to check your spirit when you have “stinkin’ thinkin’ - and He will because our “stinkin’ thinkin’ is what divides us both from God and from our husbands and derails us every single time, leaving no resolution. We know who the author of division is, so why in the world would we partner with it? 

The Word is packed with scriptures about good things happening to us in our marriages as a result of our thoughtful obedience to Christ, in words and action.

Here is one that vexed me for many years, but eventually, I was so convicted by it, it lead me to finally bring my pride and wrongful behavior toward my husband to the Lord, confessing and repenting for it and at that moment of me confronting my ugly to Father, the mental shackles began unlocking around my mind.

1 Peter 3:1-6 (The Passion Translation)
And now let me speak to the wives. Be devoted to your own husbands, so that even if some of them do not obey the Word of God, your kind conduct may win them over without you saying a thing. For when they observe your pure, godly life before God, it will impact them deeply. Let your true beauty come from your inner personality, not a focus on the external. For lasting beauty comes from a gentle and peaceful spirit, which is precious in God’s sight and is much more important than the outward adornment of elaborate hair, jewelry, and fine clothes (emphasis mine). 

My hand is raised, acknowledging unkind and thoughtless words incessantly flowed from my mouth as I conducted myself as my husband’s Holy Spirit - for, what seemed like, forever. How in the WORLD was he EVER going to hear God’s voice of conviction if all he heard was ME telling him what he needed to or should be doing or thinking? 

Visual: face in hands shaking my head. Gentle and peaceful? Nope. I was most often annoyed with something he was or was not doing. My belief system sadly came from the fear-based, controlling, pride-filled, self-righteous home I came from. And I needed a lot of humbling. Further, my venomous words, big or small, came directly from the state of my heart (out of the heart the mouth speaks Matt 12:34 and no man can tame the tongue, which is unruly evil full of deadly poison James 3:8)- which my husband was never responsible for. My faith and belief system was responsible for my identity and how I believed about myself - not him.

This passage further goes on to say in verses 8-12

Now, THIS IS THE GOAL: to live in harmony with one another and demonstrate affectionate love, sympathy, and kindness toward other believers. Let humility describe who you are as you dearly love one another. Never retaliate when someone treats you wrongly, nor insult those who insult you, but instead, respond by speaking a blessing over them - because a blessing is what God promised to give you. For the scriptures tell us:

Whoever wants to embrace true life
and find beauty in each day
MUST STOP speaking evil, hurtful words
and never deceive in what they say.
Always turn from what is wrong
and cultivate what is good:
eagerly pursue peace in every relationship,
making it your prize.
For the eyes of the Lord, Yaweh rest upon the Godly
and his heart responds to their prayers.
But he turns his back on those who practice evil.
(all emphasis mine)

When I finally began to grow out of my love/hate relationship with God regarding MY PART as a wife, having been frustrated and constantly annoyed for most my marriage, I became overwhelmingly convicted as the revelatory truth of God’s Word began to illuminate the darkness of my mind, heart, and soul. I was guilty of doing the SAME exact things to my husband as he had done to me. Oh. my. gosh. Now what? 

Well, I had to start by repenting to God for not walking in obedience. Then I asked Him to help me with it. I also realized by not acknowledging my weaknesses I would continue to be hindered and end up acting in sinful disposable behavior again and again. So one by one, I owned, and am still owning, and surrendering every weakness within me as it rears its ugly head asking God to cover me with His grace and mercy because there was no way I am able to overcome my weaknesses on my own. And He has; faithfully, gently, repeatedly.

Then I had to go to my husband and admit my part, apologizing for hurting and disrespecting him and encouraging him that I didn’t want to treat him that way any longer and to please be patient with me as I learn how to be a better partner and wife to him. Just that humble act of apology has softened my husband’s heart so much and it’s a common thing now for both of us to take responsibility when we slip up and hurt one another. 

The transformation of our souls lies in the power of our minds and WHAT WE BELIEVE. Our mind is the most challenging thing to change because it wants what it wants - completely self centered. Painfully, God began to reveal to me how wrong my thinking had been about my husband, the man He had chosen for me before I was ever born; a man, by his mere presence in my life, would expose the secret darkness of my soul and mind that I ultimately and desperately needed to surrender and repent of to my Father. 

Again, it all goes back to belief systems and where they took root: in our homes as children. Many of our households bled “victim,” entrenched in pride-filled, self-righteous arrogance that demanded to be “right” all the time. It has taken me half a century to crawl out from that toxic belief system. God’s truth instructs me to let HUMILITY describe who I am and always turn from what is wrong. Where He calls us to go, He equips us for every step of the journey. But we need to depend on Him alone for the map.

When we finally get to a place where we are ready to see the darkness in ourselves that is hell bent on pointing out the darkness in our husbands or others; when we are exposed for who WE really are deep down inside, with all our flaws and imperfections, ONLY THEN do we begin to stack the deck in our favor for change. But if we continue to walk in denial about our own “ugly” we bring into our marriage, I can assure you, friend, it will bring nothing but unnecessary destruction and Proverbs 14:1 (TPT) confirms this: Every wise woman encourages and builds up her family, but a foolish woman over time will tear it down by her own actions.

And good Lord, this one! (Proverbs 11:22) a beautiful woman who lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout. I don’t think one woman would ever want to be described as this.

“ONLY God knows the true state of our husband’s heart. We don’t. And if we think we do, we have positioned ourselves above God. ”

Although gratefully convicting, God’s word also cracks me up, especially with these two scriptures found in Proverbs 14:12 and the other, just two chapters away in 16:25. You know, when God is REALLY driving home a point confirming something, He generally speaks it two or even three times. So if we hear or read the same thing more than once, we should probably take note He’s trying to reveal something important to us. The first verse is like a soft hit in the face, and the second, a solid kidney punch that yells, “Just in case you didn’t hear it the first time, I am saying it AGAIN and this time it’s packing more of a punch!”

Proverbs 14:12: You can rationalize it all you want and justify the path of error you have chosen, but you’ll find out in the end that you took the road to destruction. 

And now:

Proverbs 16:25 (NLT) There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.

If we wives demand our way at the expense of not caring how our husbands feel and not giving them their rightful voice, we thoroughly sabotage and serve death notices on our marriage. No excuses. God’s ways are the only truth that matters in the end. And whether you choose to ride the “truth train” or not, the train is leaving the station with or without you on it. Understand the consequences of you choosing not to jump on. 

Having walked through the type of marital situation I’ve described, being “that” deceived ignorant Christian woman, and finally dropping “my” agenda, humbling myself, surrendering my carnal demands to be validated, and learning Jesus ALREADY has validated me for the rest of my life, freedom has begun and peace has come into my marriage.

My ultimate heart is about championing and empowering other women to not quit in their marriages also. Time and again, I have had the privilege and honor of loving hurting women into new pieces of revelation, wholeness and freedom during various seasons of their journey. One of the absolute joys of my life is walking alongside women who have realized they’ve been misguided in their thinking, and as a result, developed repentant hearts, seeking internal change, and further  realizing they, alone, will answer to God for their actions in their marriages. And they are not responsible for their husband’s choices.

When we begin to bring before God our own faults, dealing with the log in our own eye before pointing at the speck in our husband’s (no matter HOW BIG their speck may be and HOW justified we may be for pointing it out), seeking God to change us, admitting our powerlessness without Him, we wives give God permission to change our hearts, our thinking, and eventually our marriages. 

As we learn to release each area of struggle and burden and remain in humility, freedom comes and so does peace. Yes, ladies, we have that much power to evoke that type of change in our marriages but we must play by God’s rules in walking it out. 

The world’s answers and solutions will never satisfy, unless it’s Melissa McCarthy’s line to crumpled couch potato, Kristen Wiig, in the movie Bridesmaids, “You are your problem. And you are your solution.” 

With God’s help and revelation through reading our Bible, listening to sermons, gaining insight from Godly friends, God moves on our behalf when we take responsibility for ourselves and allow Him to expose our inside mess. Messy? Absolutely. Painful? Most definitely. Worth it? Without question.

Sadly, I also have experienced too many Christian women who have privately waged war on their husbands in their minds as well as in action and heart posture, placing all blame on them, being cold, aloof unavailable, demanding or expecting their husbands change as their own personal “rights” are perpetually violated. Their speech is hate-filled, their actions are self-oriented, and their faces are twisted, contorted, and tormented. There is no talking these women out of their self inflicted pride, anger, and self-righteousness. They are so caught up in their own fury, they are unable to hear God’s truth themselves. It never ends well. None of God within us is being applied and most likely, left to our own carnal devices, making it all about fairness and equality, the marriage is doomed.

“To set high standards for someone else, and then not live unto them yourself, is something God truly hates, but it pleases him when we apply the right standards of measurement. When you act with presumption, convinced that you’re right, don’t be surprised if you fall flat on your face! But walking in humility helps you to make wise decisions. Integrity will lead you to success and happiness, but treachery will destroy your dreams” (Proverbs 11:1-3).

In the cases of these women who refused to focus on and own their own personal baggage and their subsequent unwillingness to walk out their own inner healing, both were major contributing factors in their ugly marriages. So often lost in their own storm of excuses and justification to not change themselves, many of these wives walked away from a seemingly “hopeless situation,” with eyes of fire fixed on their perpetrating husbands, quickly dismissing their own destructive involvement. 

The pain we endure is no more important than the pain our husbands endure in our marriages. We are both in pain. But it’s generally not the same pain. One is not greater than the other. 

Repeatedly, in good faith and pure motive, I have redirected women to “get back in their lane” of marital traffic. Focus on Jesus. Let Him reveal to you how YOU must change for the marriage. Marriage is alive and demands changing. No marriage ever stays the same. It’s a constant life in flux either morphing into something more beautiful or dying a slow and painful death. The choice is entirely up to us. If we want our marriages to change, we need to change. When we change, our husbands end up changing. But, getting stuck in our pride, we do everything we can to get out of making the first humble move toward change.

Chronically, as selfish humans, we shy from rolling up our sleeves and doing the hard work it takes to surrender to God what we are unable to fix. God is FAITHFUL! Why won’t we believe Him? He says CLEARLY in 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NLT) Then if my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.

What stops us women from doing this?!! God is willing and able! It’s NOT Him! It’s US! And it’s our pride and fear of looking weak and being vulnerable. Here’s a concept: consider watching Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on vulnerability. It’s pretty eye opening.

Us demanding our earthly rights is NOT what Jesus died on the Cross for. He was mercilessly whipped until the flesh hung from his back. He was spat at, mocked, beaten, a crown of thorns driven deeply into his head. Every ounce of blood was drained from his body until only water flowed when he was speared in his side by the Roman soldier. Jesus was emptied of EVERYTHING for each of us for our repair and restoration in every area of our life.

Our Savior came as a servant, speaking God’s truth in love and firmness. Jesus was a SAVAGE! He didn’t tolerate excuses - from anyone. He simply gave us truth, allowing us free will to accept it or not. Never did He “try” to convince us. He simply trusted Holy Spirit to move on the hearts He would encounter believing great numbers would receive His gospel truth. If they didn’t, Jesus moved on realizing they were filled with excuses and He left it as their choice. God forgive us. Our hateful attitudes of division are only the product of every lofty thing in our minds that have exalted themselves above You. We have walked in sin as wives and realize its payout is only death. Forgive us and teach us how to walk in love as we identify ourselves as Christians on one hand and have walked in the utter carnality of the world on the other.

I can assure you, not all will be well with your world if your husband “gets his act together” because we still have the issues with the sin that remains in our own hearts. If you don’t believe me, test yourself. If you were to describe your husband right now, in your head, how would you do that? God knows if you’re “trying” to be nice. But He sees right through us. He KNOWS our hearts. If He changed our marriages, our husbands, our children, to how WE think they should be, without changing our hearts in the process, we would sabotage the growth.

If we reap what we sew, how in the world can we, as Christian wives, even remotely expect ANYTHING good to come out of our mean spirits, annoyed actions, misguided judgements, hurtful words, and rejecting hearts toward our husbands? If we are doing these things, trust me, it’s not about them at all, it’s God using them to expose your ugly. And only you are responsible for your ugly. Trust me on this. I’ve learned the hard way.

And also trust me when I say, my husband was not without fault. Half the time he was a tornado! But, remaining HOT (Honest with my thoughts , Open to change, Transparent heart posture) before God, ! I have finally learned to stand outside my husband’s “stuff” recognizing it most often has nothing to do with me. It’s what’s going on inside of him. I need only step back and allow him room, not reacting, not making it about me, not judging, not criticizing, just allowing him the space he needs at that moment. 

Now if our husbands say or do something hurtful, it is our responsibility to kindly let him know his actions, words, tone, - whatever it was - felt unkind or unloving toward you. Simply say it once - kindly, lovingly, and respectfully. That’s it. Drop it and allow Holy Spirit to step in on your behalf to interpret it to him. You did your part by respectfully letting him gently know he crossed your boundary. Go along your way now. Don’t fuss if he doesn’t receive it, denies it, argues about it, or is rude about it. Don’t get sucked in. You did your part by being true to yourself and that is ALL you can do. Don’t harbor. Don’t hold a grudge. Don’t drag it out for days. Walk in integrity and honor with a gentle and peaceful spirit full of kindness, appreciation, smiles and affection (easier said than done). And let it go. I promise you, he will want to come home. He will want to be around you. Let him! And let God work on your husband’s heart as you allow Him to work on yours!

“God moves on our behalf when we take responsibility for ourselves and allow Him to expose our inside mess. ”

Ladies, I promise: if you will learn how to be a “soft place” for your husband to land, his icy heart toward you WILL eventually melt. He will open up places within himself to you that have been shut down for a long time. All husbands need that - safety. But are we willing to be “that” for them? Are we willing to trust God? Are we willing to be hurt - again as we learn how to navigate a new way? Are we willing to be vulnerable? Are we willing to change? Are we willing to be open to the fact that we, too have miserably contributed to our unhappy marriage? Are we willing to be available to their needs as we demand them to be available to ours?

Now that you’ve done your part, ask Holy Spirit to move on your husband. And TRUST His timing. It may take your husband two minutes (doubtful unless he’s really a compassionate person) two hours, two days, two weeks or two months to realize he hurt you. And it may not happen at all at first. Have a lot of room for grace. He isn’t perfect and probably won’t do anything the way you want him to. Receive him anyway. Make allowances for him failing miserably in addition to the glaring fact that he is human, just like flawed you and me AND top that off with he’s a man, who was created beat his chest, hunt, kill things and gather to provide for us! 

And don’t forget, he is YOUR man, after all. You CHOSE him and you did NOT make a mistake when you did! Learn how to treat him well and gently teach him how to be gentle with you. No more sharp edges. Be soft. Be willing to learn how to become an indispensable wife. Forgive yourself and apologize if you blow it. Swallow your pride. Be humble. Breathe. You can do this. 

2 Corinthians 13:11…be cheerful! Repair whatever is broken among you, as your hearts are being knit together in perfect unity. Live continually in peace, and God, the source of love and peace, will mingle with you…

One of the best sermons about the hearts and habits of our men. This is worth taking the time to watch.