Loss

Loss…it’s so often inexplicably elusive. It seems any amount of words simply cannot pull out the gravity of what it is to walk through loss. We were designed to love and be in relationship with one another and the sting of losing that is beyond accurate description.

It’s a gripping and radiating pain so deep that it feels like a bomb has gone off inside us as our mind, heart and soul all begin shredding at the same time, much like a spontaneous coronary artery dissection, of which a dear friend of mine experienced - TWICE - and lived. She is a walking miracle; so much so, in fact, a USC cardiologist wrote an article on her, because most healthy middle-aged women who experience SCAD, die as a result of it. But my friend is a walking example of surviving, against most odds, and continues to live her life, while wearing a medical bracelet describing her condition. 

Although alive and well, my precious friend, experienced severe loss on many levels, as she fought for her life and recovery. The only strength she was able to muster through her journey was leaning on those who loved her while she trusted God to get her to the other side of her excruciating valley, thankful that she survived. 

We are painfully aware, however, that not all survive physical ailments. And when we experience the loss of a loved-one, it’s the physical removal of our human attachment to people or pets, that we mourn. Our connections range the spectrum anywhere from slight to deeply profound relationship. But wherever it may be, having death swallow them up rips our hearts apart and leaves us reeling in agony as we face having to move forward without them.

We also experience loss when our innocence has been taken without permission, leaving us violated and most often shamed; a situation, or many, where we were powerless to exert ownership and defend our personal space and physical boundaries, becoming a victim who trusted without thought of becoming the cunning prey of another. 

Loss also takes on the many different forms of betrayal in family, friendship or marriage; a spouse refusing counseling and instead, choosing divorce rather than face their own personal baggage that adds to the marital contamination, or a break-up of a dating relationship, where one is more committed than the other. What about the loss of a loved-one to suicide, miscarriage, or a lost and wandering prodigal child?

No matter if it’s a loved one dying, a victim of physical or sexual abuse, or suffering through a betrayal of relationship, ALL come with different levels grief and heavy gravity of loss.

I have experienced too many times to count, loved ones who have opted to numb the pain of loss with drugs and varying addictions trying to escape in their own limited resources, living tormented lives as they limp through each day looking like over-stuffed Michelin Men, internally, because they carry their thousand-pound pain with them wherever they go. They have let their pain dictate their lives, unconsciously, by not inviting and trusting our Healer to help them walk through it and into freedom. It’s more common than not. Please understand I bring no condemnation - only observation and experience. And it breaks my heart wide open that we have so many walking wounded masking their internal pain with counterfeit smiles that hide the truth of their internal realities.

“No matter if it’s a loved one dying, a victim of physical or sexual abuse, or suffering through a betrayal of relationship, ALL come with different levels grief and heavy gravity of loss.”

Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books in the Bible. The Cliff Notes version, if you’re unaware, is King Solomon, the richest man in the land, sets out on a journey pursuing the meaning of life. He has everything money can buy and yet, realizes he is not complete. Along his travels, he repeatedly experiences that finite earthly things are only momentary and then gone, like a vapor, leaving no lasting contentment. In the end, having grown wiser from his journey, he realizes that all is futile and empty without intentionally walking out our lives with God. Solomon goes on to say in chapter 3:1-8…

For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace. (NLT)

Loss is a season on our linear timeline. But it is not the end of our story and is very much intricately woven into the tapestry of our lives which lends necessary balance to life’s blessing and increase. When loss happens to us, we commonly shriek back, with a raised fist toward heaven, asking God why He let this happen, forgetting the “seasons” of life were created by our Father, who loves us with an everlasting love. It may feel like we’ve been buried in a huge pile of poo! BUT! Take heart because every seed that’s planted needs to be buried under the ground - in the darkness, hidden from view before it sprouts. And manure is actually the fertilizer that helps it to flourish. It’s all about trusting God and asking for His perspective.

I encourage you, friend, God’s plans for us are good, and not evil. His plans (always) intend to prosper us, not harm us, as well as to give us hopeful futures (paraphrased from Jeremiah 29:11), although our experiences of loss may feel completely contrary to that, especially in the form of physical or sexual abuse.

“Loss is a season on our linear timeline. But it is not the end of our story...”

The reason God allows loss in our lives is two-fold. The first is part of our own personal journey of repair and restoration - it’s the valleys we walk through that are intended to grow us stronger, wiser, and yield new perspective, ultimately creating us more into His image, where peace, love and life abound. That is called “redemption.” The second reason we experience loss is, once we commit to inviting God into our circumstances to heal the painful memories and emotional scars, He most often sends someone across our path for us to encourage that we’ve made it through or are on our way out of that exact same valley, giving someone else hope that they, too, can make it out also. 

So the first is God healing us and the second is God using us in someone else’s healing - being His available vessel. Our intentional reaching for God’s help will always benefit more than just us. But the key to experiencing that outcome is our yielded heart posture, wanting and wiling to surrender the pain, grief, and sorrow and invite God into our healing process. 

Our Creator intentionally designed us with every emotion we have. He never intended us to shoulder loss on our own or ignore our pain.We simply must choose to acknowledge our pain and then ask God to grow and teach us through that pain which will ultimately lead our souls out of the darkness of suffering. We need to give ourselves permission to go through the healthy stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Cry. God created us to express our sadness physically. And when we have suffered loss, grief comes in waves at the most unexpected and inconvenient times, generally catching us off guard. Don’t stuff it! Excuse yourself and cry it out. Take advantage of that. BE SAD! Allow yourself to process! Stuffing emotions that rise up as a result of loss is an example of us trying to walk thru it alone in our own strength. And like King Solomon realized, walking out anything in this life without God is futile.

Allow the stages of grief processing to come and get angry! Do your best not to do or say anything stupid to hurt anyone else, but by ALL means, be willing to allow God to walk you through that process of healing. 

Death, in its many forms, is a pause button in life that society rarely recognizes well. People tend to move away from us if we are sad or angry. And that’s ok. Let them move. In the end, it will never be between you and them. It will always be between you and God in the end. 

TELL THE TRUTH of what happened in your life - no more secrets. What we keep in darkness, remains in darkness and the Light needs to shine on it in order to heal it. NO ONE is allowed to judge you for anything you’ve been through. It’s your experience alone. And God is WITH you. If Jesus lives inside you and you learn to trust Him, He will make a message out of your mess. 

THAT, friend, is what Jesus died for you for and His truth, living inside you - that you choose to own, will set you free. Only He is the Chain-Breaker and Way Maker in our lives. There is no other option in human strength that leads to freedom. Our own will-power only lasts so long. Our hope is found in Christ alone and the finished work of the Cross.

For those who are visual like I am, it’s like cautiously “wanting” to experience a new roller coaster ride. Scared and wondering why we chose to allow anyone drag us into that line, but drawn to it as the unknown beckons us into partnership.

It’s the same as watching a loved one, a pet, or a relationship in the process of dying. Sometimes, it’s a sudden departure. But other times, when death lingers, like the roller coaster seducing us into its ride, it’s our commitment of heart ties that are loyal to the relationship and we ride it out with them as we stand, sit, walk, or cry beside them, holding on for dear life as the track twists and turns until it is finally over.

“Death, in its many forms, is a pause button in life that society rarely recognizes well. ”

No one likes saying, “Good-bye” on final terms, especially when we are powerless to change the outcome. No one likes living up to the marital vows for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, because it’s our finite flesh that screams, “THIS ISN’T FAIR TO ME!!!” The flesh seeks pleasure - only. Don’t forget that. We need just one verse from James 2:26 to remind us that the body (flesh) apart from the spirit is dead. So our finite flesh that runs our mind, reason and logic, and tells us to “Run”must be told to SHUT UP, instead choosing to press into and submit to the Spirit within us, because only there is where Truth, Life, and freedom are found.

I know, friend. This life is far from fair, especially when we use our own terms to define it. That is why God and a trusted tribe, who will tell us what we DON’T want to hear about ourselves and our challenging situations, need to be in it with us. Left to our own devices, we all have blind spots. And those blind spots are what cause us to crash, left ignored or repressed. They need to be revealed so that God can heal those places within us, which is why Jesus came to earth in the first place - to repair our relationship with the Father and to restore us to freedom in balanced health and wholeness of spirit, soul, and body - in that order.

My children are grown men now, each on their own, one with a family. So our home is quiet and peaceful. But it wasn’t for the majority of almost thirty years. A deeply troubled law enforcement marriage has been calmed and restoration has finally come. I cannot even begin to detail the loss my husband and I (and our children!) experienced in ourselves and our marriage because we just would not allow God to teach us how to be good humans to each other and how to be married, which involves vulnerability and sacrifice and unending amounts of grace. We were those overstuffed Michelin Men, afraid to let our guards down and be transparent with our repressed wounds as we kept our loaded fingers pointed at each other, always ready to fire. 

But something beautiful began to happen almost immediately as we both, individually, invited God into ourselves and our marriage, admitting we were powerless to solve anything on our own, knowing we had tried everything available to us in our own strength which only led us to succeed in failing over and over again because it was rooted in our own limited strength. 

Realizing, we were truly at the end of our self-absorbed (and very broken) selves as well as at the end of our marriage, we submitted both to a Godly counselor and God at the same time and began obediently walking out our faith in Him and how He calls us to exist as husband and wife. Simple, black and white biblical instruction, but very hard to do. It meant forsaking our own reason, logic, and earthly solutions. And you know what happened? Our Father began healing us from the inside out. Because that’s what He does, if we are willing to submit and be obedient to His ways, it doesn’t matter HOW MANY mistakes we make, it doesn’t matter how long it takes, if we do our part in submitted obedience, He comes in like a FLOOD and carries us out of our “winter” and into our “harvest” season.

Writing is one way that helps me process my pain. This blog is actually dedicated to our ten year old boxer, Sophie, who we recently put down. We had wrestled with this decision for about a week as her health had steadily been declining over the last year but more so over the last month. Out of all the dogs my husband and I have ever had over the course of our childhoods and adult lives together, Sophie was more human than a dog, which made the choice to end her suffering even that much harder for us. We simply couldn’t fathom living without her, but realized her quality of life was only getting worse. A friend shared that the final gift we give our pets is relieving their suffering, which comes at a very high emotional cost for those of us who are left to grieve their absence. Our pets are our family modeling such Christ-like, unconditional love to us and it’s excruciating to let that go.

Sometimes, God chooses to heal those we appeal to Him for, animal included. But sometimes, He does not. Ultimately, it’s His choice. I realized Sophie’s “season” of death was coming and no amount of prayer could make her stay with us, although I petitioned God for it often. I must add, on a side note, however, praying over her about a year ago did decrease her thyroid meds by half, which she had taken for eight years! This marked difference in her blood levels left our vet scratching her head with no explanation for the improvement (I smiled, knowing Mighty God, and His Kingdom authority, trump any earthly report or situation every time). I only wish I had thought to pray for Sophie’s thyroid earlier.

When loss envelopes us like a heavy cloud pregnant with water, rendering an unweighable cloak of grief and sorrow upon us, when we are so weak with despair unable to move, think, and feel, this is when only Jesus can console our suffocating broken hearts. Knowing we would have to say good bye to our sweet Sophie paralyzed me. Deeply grieved and unable to spend intentional time with God, as I do each morning, I was only able to sit numbly at my desk for many days, palms facing up placed in my lap in a physical posture of surrender asking God to comfort my broken heart and wash me with His mercy and grace. Head bowed with tears streaming, I listened to worship music on my laptop and cried.

As I surrendered my broken heart to God, He lovingly comforted and soaked me in Romans 8:26-28 - …the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness…when we don’t know how or what to pray for, the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts, knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (NLT - bolded words, paraphrasing and emphasis mine).

I am so grateful that Jesus experienced every imaginable pain here on earth and His Word encourages us also in Isaiah 53:3 that He is well acquainted with our grief. He KNOWS what we are going through and understands that depth of our sorrow. Psalm 23 reminds us in verse 4 that as we “walk through the valley of the shadow of death”: God never intended for us to get stuck and CAMP in the valley. His promise to us is that His rod and staff comfort us as He leads us through the valley. But that means us submitting our loss and trusting Him with it, willing to walk out all those stages of grief that really STINK!

Loss is intentionally designed into our lives. It’s part of our fabric. Bad and unexpected things happen to good people every day, unfortunately. But instead of allowing our losses to cripple us, it’s a committed posture to intentionally keep our eyes concentrated on Jesus, allowing Him to change our focus from ourselves and our loss to Him and His healing. 

If you have experienced any type of loss that you have stuffed for any reason and have found yourself making your home in the valley, it’s time for you to invite God into your darkness, let Him pick you up and walk you out. There is healing and so much blessing on the other side and especially renewed and deeper relationship with the Father, which always leads to life.

If you are tired and ready for your first steps of freedom, I encourage you to speak this prayer out loud:

Father, I surrender my grief, my pain, and my loss to You. All of it is beyond my control. I repent for thinking I could get through this on my own because clearly, I can’t and it’s too big for me to carry, but not for You. You tell me to come to You when I am weary, carrying heavy burdens and that I will find rest for my soul if I let You teach me because you are gentle and humble. And when I hand over my heavy yoke and burden to You, as You take it upon Yourself, they are both easy and light for You. Help me to invite You into every circumstance of my life; my joy and especially my sorrow. You promise to give me beauty for ashes when I ask You to help me walk this out. You also promise me that Your grace is more than enough for me and Your power finds its full expression through my weakness. Help me to celebrate my weakness because when I am weak, I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me. Remind me I am not defeated by my weakness, but delighted! For when I feel my weakness and endure mistreatment - when I am surrounded with troubles on every side and face persecution because of my love for Christ - I am made yet stronger. For my weakness becomes a portal to Your power. Thank You that as I reach out to You, You reach back to me and help me. In Jesus Name, amen.

Friend, you are so loved.