The Healer's Heart
/My husband and I recently attended a Love After Marriage conference (LAM) in Redding, CA put on by Nothing Hidden Ministries and affiliated with Bethel Church. It was five, twelve hour days, sometimes more, warranting the title INTENSIVE. My husband found this conference, and I am so grateful he did. We had no idea what to expect, had no idea what it was about, and in the busyness of life leading up to the event, neither one of us took the time to really delve into what we were getting ourselves into, which was probably a good thing.
The only event confirming emails we received prior, asked us to answer five questions and be prepared to talk about them with our group. Group? Wow, not totally excited about meeting a bunch of strangers and airing our personal and extremely messy laundry. But the fee had been paid (and was non-refundable), the hotel booked (and was also non-refundable), and we were stuck in our marriage. So, like waiting in line at an amusement park unsure if you really want to ride THAT rollercoaster, but your courage is momentarily high, you get in, strap in, and the ride has you holding on for dear life, as you beg for it to stop because you realize you bit off more than you wanted to chew. Yep. It was that kind of marriage conference.
“We had no idea what to expect, had no idea what it was about...”
Have you ever felt stuck? I mean really stuck, like falling back into old toxic patterns and cycles for almost thirty years, stuck? Yeah, we’re THAT couple; the pretty couple with the pretty family on the outside but suffocating on the inside stuck. And it just didn’t matter what new therapist we wrote checks to, how many books we read, how many church services or online sermons we would attend and listen to, and what we would try to change on our own.
We were the proverbial sling shot stretching ourselves routinely, letting fly a myriad of different weapons or white flags, depending on our mood, only to have the sling return to it’s typical state of hopelessness, anger, accusation and offense, convinced it was the other’s fault we were miserable. The good moments of reconciliation, intentional love and clarity were most often elusive but we had just enough of them to keep us fighting for our marriage in our own broken ways as we limped along. Most of the time we were just fighting each other. Over and over, and over, we were never able to find the remedy to unclog the crap in our drain, until now.
We found our table, #15, met our leaders from Canada and took our seats, waiting on the other two couples. Lifetimes of childhood traumas encased in flesh and bone occupied chairs in groups of eight filling the banquet room with over a hundred struggling people desiring to learn how to Love After Marriage. Each had a story replete with countless joys and especially sorrows that kept them stuck, preventing their breakthrough. We were in good company.
“Most of the time we were just fighting each other. Over and over, and over,”
As the seats across the room began to fill, nervous pockets of laughter popped here and there as introductions and smalltalk ensued. So many of us had no idea our table mates would become forever friends as we embarked on the journey of a thousand miles with the first step of trusting God’s sovereignty and we were meant to be there in the company of these particular strangers.
The founders of LAM, Barry and Lori Burne stepped onto the small stage and were a beautiful couple. Their easy covenant flow together commanded notice and stirred the desire for the same in marriages across the room. As each face, heart, soul, body, and spirit turned toward our leaders, we inhaled their confidence that we were all in the right place at the right time. We collectively placed our hope and trust in this couple to guide us to that sacred place of covenant we were all desperate to find - because they themselves had been where we are. Their words carried weight. And truth.
Lori then shared that Holy Spirit strategically chose our tables; that He placed us together because many of us had walked through similar experiences which would aid us meeting each other with love, compassion, and understanding as we revealed our stories. Her statement brought comfort. And God being God, we had not disclosed any personal information when signing up for the conference so we knew what she was said was true. God put us together, not the conference. Our Father KNOWS us. He KNOWS what we have been through. So we each silently chose to trust His seating placement and that our group would become our family as we began the journey into a new, unfamiliar, and most likely, challenging level of wholeness. How little did we know at the onset, the deeply interwoven threads existing between our table mates which quickly bonded our tapestries together. There was safety. And trust, possibly for the very first time.
The next few days brought uncomfortable vulnerability, transparency, honesty and pain as we trusted one another with our secrets. Our group each took turns wincing with compassionate hearts as we poured out our life stories. As we let it all go, each listener poured in deeply connected understanding and loving encouragement.
My husband and my individual stories revealed the good and bad experiences of our lives and marriage together. We shared that our marriage, children and family were war zones all. the. time; scary and unsafe. Feelings were not safe, opinions were not welcomed and we each did our best to sidestep the many elephants that crowded our home. Unhealthy and unholy alliances were made with our sons and they with each other as well.
“How little did we know at the onset, the deeply interwoven threads existing between our table mates which quickly bonded our tapestries together.”
Using a visual, if we reverse the water ripples to where the stones were first thrown at the moment we said, “I do,” it reveals the wars we grew up in and the self protection strategies my husband and I formed as we each navigated the ongoing battles within our own childhood homes and pasts. That’s where is all started, our mess of epic proportion. And that is most often where most our marital messes begin.
Humans are fragile and time does not wait for anyone to process, heal and catch up as we are hurled into lives of school, sports, busy activities, church, marriage, babies, jobs, whatever. For so many of us and on so many different levels, while we were children growing up and learning to do for ourselves, things were done to us behind our front doors; damage of every sort occurred at home, in the dark of night, in secret, in broad day light. Threats of harm were sometimes attached opening wide the gates of fear and inner torment forcing us to vow we won’t tell, cry, or trust. They happened once, twice, or repetitively and these violations become the undercurrent of the rest of our lives. We became skilled trauma ninjas and amidst the demands of life, we bury those people, those experiences, those moments that have contaminated us to whatever degree they have.
And we carry on. We move forward because we have to. It’s what we do. It’s what’s expected. But those traumas become our emotional and relational shackles isolating and preventing us from getting free to live the life God had always planned for us. And we end up chained to our past in the dark night of our souls and those awful experiences that stole our innocence, violated our trust, setting us on courses of self-preservation, self reliance, and even in many cases, of self destruction because our experiences have told us people are not worth trusting. Reliving the memories are scary and have enormous pain attached to them so we bury and mask them by outward smiles and just going through the motions. Both our bodies and brains are wired for survival and we do everything we can to flee what happened. Why in the world would we EVER want to revisit those places we’ve boxed and securely stored away? Where is God? Why did He let this happen?
The truth of this is God is always good even when our circumstances aren’t. There’s a line from a song I love called, Come Alive, sung by Dante Bowe that says, “Are you waiting on heaven…or is it waiting on you? For the Holy Ghost is already in the room.” My point is, God created us as free agents to choose Him and His ways or reject Him and choose our own or a combination of both, which most often sends us running away from Him or prevents us from running to Him. Heaven is waiting on us and He is HERE in the middle of ALL of it. We must intentionally choose to give pause, trust God and pursue our healing. There is no other way.
God never pushes us. But He can’t heal what we won’t reveal. And for some of us where stubbornness, pride, and fear run deep within our veins, to cut our chests open and be placed on by-pass while the Healer sets us free doesn’t sound all that inviting. It’s easier to run and hide as we create our own environments of counterfeit safety. Yet, we signed up for this conference and as our name badges hung around our necks, exposing who we were and where we lived coupled with the workbook set in front of us, there was no more hiding, no more running, no more lies. It was time to press into God and the Truth and healing He wanted to bring.
The name of Barry and Lori’s Nothing Hidden Ministries quickly became an inner mantra. It’s time to stop hiding, to let it all out, let it all go, once and for all and to finally invite Holy Spirit, our Great Counselor, to walk us through this process of healing, thereby paving the way to wholeness and restoration in our marriages, which was our heart cry and why we were there. But we had to be willing to face the demons of our pasts in order to get there.
And THAT was what has kept all of us stuck in our marriages. Our past childhood violations had recorded lies that repeatedly whispered we weren’t good enough, weren’t worthy enough, would never measure up, were dirty, not valued, not safe, and especially to protect ourselves at all cost. These experiences coupled with the tapes that played over and over in our heads were what blocked our drains and kept us clogged for so long. Our experiences happened but the lies we assumed and walked out as a result is what prevented the oneness and intimacy in our marriages.
With Holy Spirit as our lead Surgeon and our new-found table family assisting, we each took turns getting onto the surgical table giving our consent for the necessary soul trauma extractions. Each person’s surgery was different, unique and precise to them alone and yet the purpose was the same: to restore us to wholeness and how God originally created us to live out our lives on earth - free to be loved and to love; free to trust and be trustworthy; free.
Pressing into our carefully concealed injuries was without anesthesia and excruciating. Our only comfort was hand holding and firmly biting down on a leather strap dealing with these afflictions old school style. The only way to escape the pain was to jump off the emotional table and physically leave the conference, which both my husband and I did at different times (we returned after much needed breathing and composure). You see, even though our spirits, souls and hearts begged for freedom from the past, our pain avoidance didn’t agree to being cut open having these infected wounds excised from our souls. We had learned to function in life well - or so we had convinced ourselves. We navigated around them, accepted them and compensated for them. But in doing so, we had settled for so much less than God’s freedom. We chose bondage and to be numb. It was familiar. It was safe; which was a lie.
When we choose to uncover our secrets and allow His Light into our darkness, truth, healing and freedom come. That’s God’s will for us. John 16:13 and Isaiah 58:8 confirms this: “When the Spirit of Truth comes, He will guide you into all truth.” And when we do things God’s way, having a heart of submission, He promises …”your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear…” Holy Spirit will always guide us, not push us, not pull us. But we have to be willing to be led. Our freedom comes on the heels of our surrender to follow and trust our King.
“When we choose to uncover our secrets and allow His Light into our darkness, truth, healing and freedom come.”
Second Chronicles 7:14 says it best: “If My people, who are called by My Name, will humble themselves, and pray, and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sins, and will heal their land.” God is and has been waiting for us to do our part. If we do what we can do, He will do what we can’t do. It’s a relationship, a dance, really. All relationships, once they get going, are give and take. And we each play a part at any given time within the relationship.
God’s part: IF My people, who are called by My Name…We are all called by His name. We are His creation. Before the foundations of the world, He called us by name and knit us together in utter seclusion on our mother’s wombs. He KNOWS and abundantly loves us. We belong to Him. But His part is contingent on us doing certain things.
Our part: Humble ourselves by acknowledging the truth of what we’ve been through. Stop denying. God already knows.
Pray: Let Him know you are ready to heal. Admit to Him your fear and anger, what happened, who you need to forgive.
Seek Him: ask Him to lead you to where and with whom that should take place; a church, a conference, a trusted Christian friend, a church elder?
Turn from your wicked ways: anything that does not align with God’s truth, His Word or His ways can be considered wicked. All things against God are from the wicked one, the devil, who wants, above all else to keep us in bondage, wounded, isolated, and divided. Remember the enemy of our soul’s main goal is to lie to us, steal from us, and destroy us. And then repent for partnering with whatever has prevented you from seeking to heal.
God’s Part: IF WE DO OUR PART - THEN God will:
Hear from heaven: “Oh WOW! AWESOME!! My son/daughter humbled themselves, is praying and seeking My face and turning from their wicked ways!! Let’s GO!!!! I am HEALING THEIR LAND! (Cue angels rejoicing!!)
If you are reading this and struggling or stuck in your marriage and are so over hitting dead ends, consider attending a Love After Marriage conference. God’s desire, above all else is to have deep relationship with you and to restore you to wholeness.
Isn’t time to stop hiding? Let Nothing Hidden Ministries help bring long-overdue healing to your marriage. You won’t be disappointed.