Freedom

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written a blog. The truth is, my life has gone through a complete overhaul in the last six months; the kind of revamping I had been begging God for 20 years, but it did not come in the way I ever expected. 

A little backstory for those of you who don’t know. I married the love of my life over 26 years ago. We have been together for almost 30. We entered our marriage with a ton of baggage from the homes we grew up in. He poured his life into his career and worked as much overtime as he could to provide for our three sons and me. He worked over an hour away at the fastest and most dangerous police station. He only came home for one and sometimes two days a week because of the OT and the commute. His schedule was grueling and he was more of a stranger than a father and husband when he did come home. Don’t judge. There are many reasons for his lack of involvement, me being one of them. He and I were generally estranged from both sides of our families and I had few resources living in a new town raising 3 little boys by myself. I poured myself into being a mom and I loved it. I was always exhausted but my littles filled me up with so much love it didn’t matter. I had no sitters and in the early years we only had one car. So it was me. Alone.

My husband and I had a very deep love for each other. But the homes we grew up in haunted us on every level. There was rarely positive communication between the two of us. Neither one of us tended to the other’s needs in any way because we didn’t know how to. Both of us grew bitter, angry and ultimately apart. We coexisted in the same house as roommates, which did not make for a functioning family behind our front door. However, like so many and by all appearances, we looked to be your all American normal happy family.

We had become Christians early on in our marriage. And I had been born with a “sixth sense” for understanding dysfunction, which is why we steered clear of our families and siblings. Sadly, we were no better off ourselves on the dysfunction scale, but we had Jesus and they didn’t. And although we didn’t understand what that looked like, we knew there was new hope and promise for our family of five where there had never been where we both came from. I tended to be very “legalistic” in my approach - especially with my husband. However zealous and determined I was to live for Christ, I did not realize my lack of grace and how I walked out my faith in my marriage and with our families of origin. Of course it was easy to love my children and others outside my home - especially fellow believers. But when it came down to living that grace out in my home, I couldn’t do it.

In my single years, I had been a wild child so when life got real and I accepted Christ and was responsible for raising little humans, I was determined to “raise them right” and that meant following what God said in Proverbs 22:6 to train my children up the way they should go and when they are old, they will not depart from it.”

I had made every mistake possible and my goal was to do my best to spare my boys a life of repeating my bad choices. I knew my only answer was God. So I acted on Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates. 

I walked that out to the best of my ability but recognized early on that I had huge deficits as a mother and for many many years I begged the Lord to fill in my gaps so my sons would see Him, hear Him and know Him one day. He was and continues to be faithful in this and all three of our sons know the Lord.

As I continued to pour myself into church, my children, homeschooling and others, I ignorantly neglected obedience in the first area of divine household alignment - my marriage. Everything and everyone came before my husband. I spent 20 years justifying it. Without going into detail and by saying he was difficult to deal with in no way even begins to touch my situation. I allowed his actions to keep me distant which made it very easy to serve everyone else before him. 

But I did the best I could with what I had and I did as the word instructed in trying to resolve my marriage - get advice and go to counseling. Proverbs 15:22 said: without counsel, plans fail but with many advisors, they succeed; and I also followed Proverbs 24:6 for by wise guidance you can wage war, and in abundance, of counselors there is victory.

I didn’t want my marriage to fall apart but it was. I wanted victory so I got an abundance of counselors and I uncovered the life behind my front door to many trusted christian friends as well as pastors. I took refuge in their care and in their prayers. But what eventually happened was by sharing my challenging world, I eventually forced my “counselors” to choose sides as they continued to only hear my version of the story. I lived a life of sadness, self pity, doubt and confusion while leaning on others to vent to, commiserate with and pray for us. All the while, my husband drew farther and farther away emotionally because he was aware of my sharing our marriage woes with mutual friends. I violated Proverbs 31:11 which says her husband’s heart can safely trust her and she will greatly enrich his life. Nothing was further from the truth. There was barely any trust between both of us on any given day. And yet, I continued to cry out to God to save our marriage.

The truth of this was that we were both spiritual orphans desperately seeking wholeness in each other instead of seeking it together in Christ. Spiritual orphans have unresolved trust, attachment and abandonment issues with parents. We both had them in our environments growing up. The orphan spirit wreaks havoc in relationship - especially marriage. It forces us to emotionally remove ourselves from the emotional aspect of the covenant of marriage by convincing us we must fend for ourselves, protect ourselves at all costs, and that we can not nor will ever be able to trust our spouse. Inevitably if we have not resolved these issues before we get married, we are doomed to repeat them once we get married. 

I eventually ended up in a bible study for wives entitled Titus 2 sitting under the teaching of an elderly woman who was routinely very transparent about how she had been the exact opposite of a Godly wife. Her stories were poignantly similar to mine. So I went for a visit one day to her home and shared my mess of a marriage. She listened intently and when I was finished, she looked at me lovingly with her big brown eyes and said, “Sweetheart, your husband is a good man. He has provided above and beyond for you and your children. He is also a very wounded man who is desperate to be loved and respected. And you haven’t done that. You have reminded him so often of how he hasn’t met your needs, he doesn’t know where to even begin. He is isolated. And like a wounded animal backed into a corner, he does not trust you. Now you have some work to do. If you don’t, you will most likely lose your marriage.”

My eyes were opened just a little that day and for the first time, I was able to have compassion for my husband. I began to do my best to turn my ship around. I had not obeyed not one scripture about what a Godly wife looked like. I love Proverbs 31:26 She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Although I practice that now, I had NEVER done that in my marriage prior. I had great wisdom and kindness with my sons and others but I was a FOOL in my marriage. Usually when I opened my mouth it was to argue, defend myself and point out my husband’s faults. I had no kindness on my tongue, in my body language, in my voice or in my attitude- none. I was so angry and bitter at his constant hurtful words, rejection and absence, how in the world was I going to right all my wrongs with him? I wanted God’s will in my life. I wanted to be His mouthpiece and His hands and feet, but I had no idea where to start.

So I began small with two scriptures and leaned on Him to help me walk obediently in them. 

Ephesians 5:33b Amplified…let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband - that she notices him, regards him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly.

And 1 Peter 2:18 You who are slaves must accept the authority of your masters with all respect. Do what they tell you--not only if they are kind and reasonable, but even if they are cruel/ill-tempered.

Good Lord! Just throw me under a bus. That was NOT my nature. But I had partnered with the enemy for SO LONG in only seeing my husband’s faults and believing the lies of an orphan spirit, it was like gravel in my mouth to speak kindly, respectfully and gently; the EXACT way God had always called me to speak to my husband. Of COURSE the enemy wanted me to continue along the path of division, contempt and hostility because if I actually made a u-turn and began walking out God’s way of doing things, the enemy KNEW God would heal us and we would be a united force to be reckoned with for His Kingdom one day. 

I share this deeply vulnerable truth because how many of us put on the smiles each day as we jump in the car together to get to church, run errands, go to family functions or parties bickering on the way there? We argue about small things blown out of proportion all too often and then walk into a group of peers acting like it’s all good but deep down inside, there is unresolved hurt, anger, and unforgiveness between you and your spouse?

My attempt at being the bigger person, swallowing my pride, ignoring my pain and pressing into how God commanded me to live and act as a wife lasted only about six months and then I sadly gave up. The more I gave, the happier my husband got but my efforts weren’t being reciprocated in our marriage, which I desperately needed. Looking back I’m not surprised. Broken people can’t fix other broken people. Only God can do that. I ignored my own brokenness to focus on healing his, which will never yield lasting results. It’s as the stewardess advices in her emergency exit plan before the plane departs, “put your OWN oxygen mask on FIRST, THEN tend to others.”

My blog originally began as a way for me to press into God while encouraging others to keep going; to keep trusting God for their breakthrough as I was trusting Him for mine. God had promised my marriage 20 years ago. I believed Him and continued to stand…well sort of. Ha! who am I kidding?! I either crawled or was curled up in a fetal position and lived in the desert that entire time. And for the life of me, I was baffled as to why nothing ever changed. My story mimicked the Israelites wandering around and perishing in the desert for 40 years. Little did I know I had the biggest tool right under my nose but was completely clueless.

I had done everything I knew how to do. I read my bible, went to bible studies, read marriage and self help books, went to counseling and nothing worked so I finally gave up. I made the decision I had waited for God long enough and if He hadn’t turned this taco truck around by now, I had every reason to believe He wasn’t going to. So I took matters into my own hands and hatched a secret plan to divorce my husband. I asked a few trusted friends to pray for me in my next season. I had a time frame when I was going to move forward. I knew where I was going to move. I had most details taken care of. If you can imagine, my marriage and home life were abysmal. Even two of our sons encouraged us to go our separate ways. So I stopped believing God (although His word never changed mind you) and began listening to the hopelessness in the voice of the enemy, who fed me lies of division, self preservation and self protection (again reinforcing the orphan spirit). The truth is I was always called to fight for and protect our marital unity. The truth is God is my sustainer and defender and my help comes from HIM. But I was weary. And when we get weary and knocked down enough, we begin to believe the lies that things will never change. He will never change. You’re still young, you deserve a do-over. You deserve to be happy. You deserve, you deserve, you deserve. Divide and conquer is the enemy’s goal. His plight is to ALWAYS get our eyes focused OFF of Jesus and onto ourselves. And I was ready to jump in it with both feet.

My husband, the detective that he is, opened my laptop one day and found my plan. It wasn’t hard to find. All my messages were up dripping with all the juicy details. And things went from worse to hell-on-earth worse. But him finding out was actually the catalyst that began turning things around. We had both gotten to the point God was waiting for us to get to - where we let everything go; everything that meant the most to us - our marriage and each other. We laid it down and were wiling to give it up - like Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice Isaac. It was my willingness to give up what was most precious to my heart, what I treasured the most - the man I loved but didn’t know how to love. After 20 years of toiling in the desert, I still hadn’t trusted God with my myself or my marriage, hence the long-suffering and incessant wandering. 

We agreed to go to counseling and began to work through many issues. I chose to write a letter about the deepest hurts I wanted to address in one of our meetings and I ran it by a very trusted friend of mine. Her wisdom cut through my ignorance and blindness in our short conversation. Her words to me were to make sure I began my letter with acknowledging how I had failed in the marriage. “WHAT?!” my insides screamed out! But I quietly listened to her words drinking in the truth she shared. 

As I read my letter that following week, I disclosed how I had failed in our marriage - which was the first time I had ever done that. Tears fell down my husband’s face as I admitted personal faults he never thought I would. Once I covered my part, I went on to read the hurts I had received from him but I didn’t feel right about it and I stopped reading. I knew right then and there, it was time for me to take 100% responsibility for my actions, thoughts, words and attitude and align them to exactly how God calls me to walk out my marriage regardless of my circumstances. There was no more need to point out how my husband had failed or hurt me. Only he could answer for his actions toward me. I was not responsible for how he walked out his role in our marriage. I was only responsible for mine. And for the first time in my life I felt like the burden I carried had been lifted clean off my shoulders. And you know what? In the blink of an eye, God began giving me joy in place of my many years of mourning and exchanging my ashes for the most amazing beauty. It was within a few days and everything changed because I focused only on my relationship with my Father and cried out for Him to change the things inside of ME that didn’t line up with Him. For twenty years the breakthrough I had stood and contended for was for the Lord to change my HUSBAND. But the breakthrough that actually happened was that He changed ME. And believe it or not, my marriage improved over night. Don’t get me wrong, there are still things that aren’t quite right between us but I am more than confident that God will take care of it.

The Word of God has got over 9,000 promises in it. They have NEVER changed. And they NEVER will. Hebrews 13:8 says Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. The funny thing is that our Father NEVER EVER CHANGES…we do. 

Let me give an example. If we had a person - just one person in our life, who was our constant cheerleader, only spoke positive encouraging words over us, would show up at any time of day or night, hold our hand and wipe our tears, what kind of people would we be? If we had just one person like that in our life we could depend on no matter what, believe every truth they spoke into and over us, what kind of person would we be? We would be healthy, whole, unstoppable, fierce, loving, kind, supportive, gentle, wise, confident, etc. Being unconditionally accepted, loved and cared for frees us to live unhindered. It frees us to love ourselves and love others. It frees us to freely give and freely receive. It frees us to be believe the good; to be vulnerable and honest in relationship without fear of being judged, criticized or critiqued. 

Now this is the kicker: that’s who our Papa is. That’s Jesus. That’s the Holy Spirit. The only difference is that they are not physical beings we can see, touch, or hear. Those 9,000 promises are the wind beneath our wings if we choose to let out our sails. We have that kind of support 24/7. It never ends. It never ebbs. It’s a constant infinite ocean of Living Water. But we must choose to sail in those promises. That’s why Romans 12:2 is so vital: Do not conform to the pattern of this world [carnality and lies of the enemy], but be transformed by the renewing of your mind [reading, believing and walking out scripture]. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will [which is where the blessing lies]. Amplified.

The answer that was always directly under my nose was God’s word for ME. I had never read my Bible for just me. I was always freaking out about how my husband wasn’t loving me, treating me respectfully, etc. But I couldn’t and still can’t change that. Pointing my finger at him doesn’t solve a thing. I wandered in the desert for 20 years because I played the blame game without taking responsibility for my actions, my words, and my thoughts.

Once I began to focus on how God calls ME to walk as His daughter and as a wife, I was finally free. I dropped my list of faults against my husband recognizing he has suffered greatly, especially as a child and I forgave him for hurting me. I can’t fix him. I can’t change him. But I can choose to have compassion. I can choose to esteem him where he never was as a child. I can choose to defer to him and give him the voice he was never given as a child. I can choose to notice and admire him where he wasn’t growing up. Only he can reach out to the Lord for his healing. Whether he chooses to or not is completely up to him. The only thing I can do is pray and walk out God’s word in my life. I am only responsible for me. And I get to choose how I live out each day. I choose grace. I choose mercy. And I choose love - as Jesus did for me. And I choose to pray for my husband in the areas where his human nature struggles.

I am not in a marriage to “get” all my needs met. Only God can meet all my needs. Jesus didn’t walk the earth, heal the sick, raise the dead and preach the Good News to “get” something. He was the Living Water and continued to pour Himself out to death on the Cross for me; for you; for my husband; for my children; for my family; and for yours as well. 

As wives, we have been called to the highest order of God’s blessing by taking shelter under the divine order of our husbands be they kind, honorable, lost or broken. No wife has the perfect husband. We have been given marching orders from God as wives. We can either partner WITH God, walk that out, do our part no matter what the circumstances (except physical abuse) or we can choose not to, point our finger about how lousy our husbands are and partner with the enemy. 

Just so you know I bring gut wrenching experience to the table here: God CAN NOT partner with us if we willingly choose to partner with the enemy in how we walk out our part in our marriages. He can’t because He is NOT the author of the darkness of our souls. He is God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, the LOVER of our souls. He is GOOD. He is LIGHT. He is REFUGE. He is HEALER…IF we choose to do things HIS way. Sadly, if we choose to partner with the enemy and handle our role as wife in an earthly way and not the Kingdom way, we tie God’s hands to move on our behalf because again, he CAN NOT partner with our carnal actions, words and mindsets. 

It’s our humanity and emotions that partner with the ruler of this earth. It’s our humanity that carries the agendas, the negative lists, the unforgiveness, the darkness. If we have accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, His word says at that moment HE HAS MADE ALL THINGS NEW. The old man is gone and the new man has emerged in HIM. We now BELONG. We have been adopted into His Kingdom and we have SONSHIP with Him. We no longer live in rejection in our souls and spirits. But we have to educate ourselves in His word and BELIEVE it.  Then we need to do house cleaning and get rid of the old patterns that hinder our spiritual growth and relationship with Jesus.

Loved ones, we are at war, plain and simple. We have an enemy that uses our pasts and our current words and actions against us. He is the accuser of the brethren and constantly reminds us of our failures, short comings, and justifies the grudges we hold. He crushes our dreams and our hopes…and we listen to him!!  If we are going to see marriages turn around and our families healed, we MUST choose the HEALER’S voice to listen to - NOT the enemy’s.

I encourage you, if you are facing circumstances in your home that you personally have no control over - an angry aloof husband, an errant son or daughter - please learn to trust God in that place. Learn how to praise and thank Him for whatever it is He is doing on your behalf and then ask Him what He wants you to do. Learn to love the people who hurt you, once, twice or uncountable times. Them lashing out is not about you, it’s about their unresolved pain. And finally, pray. Pray because your life, your marriage, your husband and your family’s life depends on it. 

It only takes one person to stand. Be that person. And watch what God will do.

Prayer to renounce the Spirit of Rejection (Orphan Spirit) 

How to pray for the Orphan Spirit