Afterthoughts

Many of us grow up automatically merging into groups depending on our likes or talents. There are the cheerleaders, the football players and the quilting club. There’s the band, academic, book and chess clubs. There is the NRA, political affiliations, hiking, biking and triathlon clubs. There is simply an unlimited number of groups for us to join of our choosing; groups where we fit and bring like-mindedness to the table.

But what about those who have been thrust into a group and have no choice about what they now represent? For example, people battling a disease, who have lost a loved one to a suicide, battled the deep heartbreak of multiple miscarriages. What about those who have lost a spouse, a child, or have been a victim of a crime?

One such group representing the latter, are wives of law enforcement officers. Their love, devotion and marriage vows placed them in this group. Most of them never chose it themselves. 

Police wives are women who routinely fly under the radar of societal consideration or recognition because it’s their husbands who bear both the public’s scrutiny as well as their accolades. 

Law enforcement wives are an unsung, unrecognized and and all too often misunderstood group of women who routinely find themselves socially, mentally, physically and emotionally isolated commonly lacking support, help and very needed reprieves from the stress of their husband’s careers.

Both Forbes magazine and careercast.com, listed the top 10 most stressful careers with Law Enforcement Officer ranking number 4 in the nation, falling only under enlisted military personnel, firefighters and commercial airline pilots. 

Police officers are forced to heightened alert - especially today as an all too large portion of the public has decided it’s “open season” on the men and women in uniform sworn to serve the very ones who come against them. There aren’t very many high risk jobs that warrant a purposed kiss goodbye from a wife because the possibility of her husband not coming home grows greater every day.

“Law enforcement wives are an unsung, unrecognized and and all too often misunderstood group of women”

This past weekend I had the grand opportunity to spend many hours with a group of some of the most beautiful women I have ever met. Their ages varied as well as the state they flew or drove in from. Some had small children, some had grown children and some don’t have little ones just yet. But amidst the many differences, the one thing that linked us together was that our husbands are either current, retired, or fallen law enforcement officers.

There were many who could not physically be there and were able to watch online but the bonds that were created in person over those few days will last a lifetime. 

There were first time hugs from trusted relationships that had been established online over the last few years. There were many stories shared and for the very first time, so many women felt safe to be vulnerable with those they call their sisters and their family in blue. There were many tears, many hugs and so much laughter. 

Finally, someone “gets” me was the overall feeling. We felt safe. We felt loved. We were encouraged. We were regenerated. We were able to blow off steam, share concerns, admit heartaches, hold hands, pray in person and share hopes for the future.

We shared details about each other’s lives and policing agencies, how they work and what’s the norm. We marveled at how in some cities, citizens fight to buy their husbands’ breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. Some have never paid for their own meal because their communities are so deeply grateful for their service, they show it daily by making sure they don’t have to worry about where their next meal will come from. 

“Finally, someone “gets” me was the overall feeling. We felt safe. We felt loved.”

We walked through the story of a police widow who is relatively new to living life and raising a family alone, because a criminal decided to murder her husband. Our group sat on pins and needles as she recounted the devastation and subsequent fall out of her new life. We used copious amounts of Kleenex and silently thanked God that the rest of us still have our husbands. Her tragedy is our biggest fear every day our husbands go to work. 

The most foundational human desire is to be accepted, appreciated, valued and loved and we ultimately gravitate to those who are similar to us. One generally doesn’t find a cowboy who works a cattle ranch hanging with a group of interior decorators because the passions that drive them are very different. 

Likewise, there are generally two groups who do not mix: police officers with those who support them and criminals with those who don’t. It’s like trying to mix oil and vinegar. They just don’t mix. In fact, because the mentality is so opposite, it’s just easier and safer to stay in our own spaces and not seek the attention of the other. It’s sad and we wish it were different but for whatever reason, experience, and value system, citizens who have made the conscious decision to hate the police have shut themselves off from understanding our men, and many women, who risk their lives daily to protect and serve the very ones who loathe them. They also refuse to acknowledge the humanity of police officers who have bills to pay, families to support, loved ones going through difficulties and having to miss so much of it working their uncommon schedules. When they get home and take off their uniforms, they are human, just like the ones who shun them. They bleed the same color and their lives are just as valuable as anyone else’s. 

And with every group who stands for something they believe in, there will always be those who stand outside and judge, ridicule and devalue what they have no idea, experience or knowledge about.

Sadly, this very thing happened this weekend. Our hotel was full of multiple conferences and people attending them. Upon our group going to dinner after our conference had ended, there was a female who wore a shirt that was a direct insult to police. Our beautiful widow extended an olive branch and told our waitress to please have this woman order the drink of her choice in order to demonstrate that our husbands are good and very hard working people. Said woman came to our table to thank our widow at which point our widow explained her husband was a fallen officer and that he was a good man. She thanked our widow - through lots of smiles - for her drink, his service and acknowledged her loss then went and sat back down at her table.  Our table was pleasantly surprised that she took the time to come over and say thank you.

A few of us left the dinner a bit early and had to pass by this woman. She clearly was enjoying herself, laughing and loudly making disparaging remarks to her friends about our widow and our group. 

We later learned she is currently a principal in a midwest state, an educator of all things. Needless to say our group was shocked, and hurt but not surprised. She represents just one of millions of people who don’t know our husbands, us, or our lives and have chosen to disrespect and hate us anyway instead of pressing in and getting to know us. 

Our wives once again, showed stellar self control and rose above the situation. We refuse to stoop to that level and deceitful type of behavior because it’s wrong.

The level of blatant disregard and ignorance from the public is sometimes staggering. And as wives, this is what we face: strangers believe it is their right to malign our husbands, our families, and our tragedies as if an occupation lessens the value of the ones who hold the position. The public cries out in favor of the evil waged against the innocent and then calls for war against the ones who respond to their cries for help. Police wives hurt deeply for their husbands and because we are emotional, we tend to also carry a heavy burden of knowing our husbands don’t have the luxury of dropping their guard which only multiplies their stress. Routinely they are targets of ignorant and uneducated hatred. They are unwanted and unaccepted by more and more of the public. Thank God there are still pockets of society who continue to value the men and women of law enforcement sworn to uphold the safety of its citizens. 

Has anyone ever pondered this phenomenon of human nature and why we seem to gravitate to those who are similar? 

Police officers tend to hang with fellow officers because they “get” each other and the relationships offer acceptance, value, trust and safety. 

Women are the same but are different at the same time. Police wives who have safe relationships with other police wives have found a friend and sister for life because we don’t share a common job location as our husbands do. We have to rely on word of mouth from sometimes just one friend who heard of a safe group from another friend. Not all police wives are trustworthy or safe but when when the ones who are find each other, we are a united force to be reckoned with.

I was so blessed that I was able to participate in relationships with women who are funny, smart, strong, tenacious, dependable and just downright exceptional on so many levels of humanity. These women exemplify the highest nobility and character combined with incredible integrity. They are givers and will drop everything if a sister law enforcement wife is in need.

“Not all police wives are trustworthy or safe but when when the ones who are find each other, we are a united force to be reckoned with.”

There will always be those who criticize and wage hate campaigns and simply put, no good will ever come out of those campaigns. Nothing will ever be solved. And that’s ok. We aren’t here to convince people we are good. We recognize and willingly accept that we come second to our husband’s careers. Many of us are here to also hold down jobs, raise families often alone, and most of all support our amazing husbands who are called to defend and protect the innocent. 

And we wouldn’t trade it for anything. Haters gonna hate. How sad. In the mean time, we’ve got lives to live and we choose to love. And that’s all that matters to us.